After the wild success of S.A.L., the Sisso Alert Level preparedness warning system designed to alert my local readers of excessive sisso levels in and around Reggio Emilia, I’ve decided to implement a second early detection device. I call it:
E.V.A. – Expat Vent Alert
This early warning system is designed to read levels of homesickness, stress, culture shock, and general frustration in English speaking expatriates located within the geological borders of Italy. It then emits a numerical value between 0 and 10 that corresponds with the level of biased, inappropriate, offensive, and prejudicial comments that are likely to follow. It can be adjusted for use in other countries as well, simply by adding the country name to the end (examples: #EVAitaly or #EVAgermany).
The acronym forms the female name, Eva, which is not a coincidence. Eva (or Eve in English), in biblical terms, was the first woman ever created… from whence life cometh. This system is appropriately named after her, as it is a quantification of the amount of life being sucked out of the subject expat in question, as well as a measurement of the subsequent reaction one can expect.
As a guideline, here are some examples as indicators of predicted levels:
- E.V.A. 1 – I’m being force fed wonderful pasta and heavenly wine. Woe, is me. (example here)
- E.V.A. 2 – Why does my Italian spouse continue to embarrass me so? It’s pretty cute, though. (example here)
- E.V.A. 3 – Dear all Italians, please stop looking at me like I’m an alien. (example here)
- E.V.A. 4 – I have never been so astutely aware that I am female. (example here and here)
- E.V.A. 5 – How many times can you really need my signature? Basta! (example here)
- E.V.A. 6 – Knock knock. Who’s there? Two thousand, f*cking thirteen. Catch up. (example here and here)
- E.V.A. 7 – These people are physically incapable of not talking about food. Damn, it stresses me out. (example here and here)
- E.V.A. 8 – If one more little old lady cuts in front of me in line, I’m gonna drop kick her. (example here and here)
- E.V.A. 9 – I don’t WANT to discuss EVERY LITTLE DETAIL with the ENTIRE family. Got it?! (example here)
- E.V.A. 10 – This country is full of backasswards, close-minded, stubborn, unchanging palle rompers, who have no hope of ever allowing Italy to join the modern world. I’ve had it with all of you. I’m going to go eat worms. (example coming soon. very very soon.)
Disclaimer: Clearly any native readers should take the higher level warnings into consideration prior to reading the attached comments. Comments associated with any E.V.A. level should not be read as comparisons to the expat’s home country (example: if an E.V.A. 7 comment states that the public health system in Italy is sh*t, it does NOT mean that the author automatically believes that the health system in his/her home country is any better).
We all need to vent sometimes, right?
Go forth, use the system.
You can expect a #EVAitaly Level 10 post coming soon from Married to Italy. Just need to cool off a bit first. Raaaaarg!